The Wall

From our special correspondent on the Isle of Lewis.
20 January 2017

As the great day dawned the people of Lewis gathered in Stornoway. Only six months ago it had seemed like a dream but now’s the day and now’s the hour. A public holiday declared, the procession, slowly at first, began to snake its way out of the town southwards- babies in prams with tartan bonnets and fake ginger wigs; schoolchildren with their shirts tucked in and ties tied up to their necks to mark the special day, Snapchat-ing each other variations of their hero’s more indecorous pronouncements; young women carrying spades, constantly tweeting; middle-aged men in blue boiler suits pushing their elderly mothers in peat barrows; older women armed with flasks holding up the march by insisting on giving their neighbours a cup of over-stewed tea. Great cheers and great excitement as at the head of the procession #thereal Donald Trump leads his mother’s people toward their destiny. So great is the throng that the Church Street Chippy has been cleaned out and pitiful are the cries of the seals in the harbour, deprived of their daily, tourist supplied fish suppers. Sobbing will be heard tomorrow in the delicatessens and trendy bars of Glasgow, Edinburgh, Dingwall as they have to go without their Stornoway black pudding as Charlie MacLeod’s is deluged.
And everywhere the cry:
“What’re we building?” And the reply: “A Great Wall!”
“Who gonna pay?”
“An Hearach!” (the people of the Island of Harris).
So today, the day of his inauguration, what seems like the whole population of the Island of Lewis in the Western Isles of Scotland has come together and is heading to the border with the neighbouring Island of Harris- yes, two islands joined together with a land border- to build the wall promised by the Donald in his election campaign.

Out of the capital they flood leaving a ghost town behind. On the road the pride of the island’s transport- never have so many pre-1960 Massey Ferguson tractors been seen in one place before.

At points all along the road the throng is enlarged a thousands joining from the upmarket suburbs-Laxdale, Gress, Luirbost. ‘The Gazette’ correspondent reports a slight altercation on the West Side between the MacAulays and some Morrisons from Ness but all is sorted out at Barvas.
Such is the desire for Lewismen-wherever they are- to take part today that some working offshore have untethered their rig and sailed it round to Dalmore.

At Uig an old king and queen have turned up with bishops, knights, pawns and some very angry Vikings to take part.
Specialist builders under the auspices of Historic Scotland have been secretly practicing construction techniques at Arnol. Other commandos been quietly practicing technique in the hidden confines of their sheds.

Some attempts have not been so successful as ‘The West Highland Free Press’ revealed earlier this week.

Such was the passion of the islanders that some have even been prepared to dismantle their peat stacks to provide material.

There is of course a down side, whilst the many rejoice exuberantly the few suffer in silence. At the Caledonian MacBrayne ferry terminal anyone from Harris has been rounded up and are now awaiting deportation to Tarbert.